this song keeps being in my head.
autostraddle.com tumblr presence: i'm suddenly feeling so so anxious about camp. about alone time and remembering people's names and socializing and...
i think you’re “suddenly” feeling anxious because it’s ABOUT TO HAPPEN. everything will be okay. i’m anxious too! marni and i keep waking up early and lying there in panic. like what if people hate me?! you can remember underwear and your toothbrush though, just write it down on a piece of…
Source: autostraddle
TV
I feel the need to confess to someone somewhere that I am 1)rewatching angel. Again. 2)I got really sad when doyle died because I’d forgotten about that part.
I’m on holiday with my parents. It used to be, all the way through college, that family vacations were like reading marathons, the whole family reading multiple books each. But this time I have only read one book, and tonight I spent the night doing exactly what I do at home, watching Netflix and scrolling tumblr. And autostraddle. I’m disappointed in myself. I could put it on the culture of all things being at our fingertips, but I could still read books. I could read at home, but I don’t. Even when I’m totally bored, feeling like I’ve reached the end of the Internet, I just keep clicking. I need a hobby.
At length we agreed to march ourselves down State of Franklin Street, and as we stretched across block after block of stopped traffic, people in their pickups and dinged-up station wagons and gas-conscious sedans honked and cheered to see our “tax greed” signs, and did not advise us to get a job or a haircut. The orthodox objections have grown ridiculous. Every system on earth has its limits. We have never been here before, not right here exactly, you and me together in the golden and gritty places all at once, on deadline, no fooling around this time, no longer walking politely around the dire colossus, the so-called American Way of consecrated corporate profits and crushed public compassion. There is another American way.
Source: occupywriters.com
Isn’t it strange
…that I remember needing you and wanting you to hold me mentally, but not emotionally. I recall it but there is no longing. .
turns out i’m still angry.
I see a picture of my college girlfriend, and i get mad that she threw away our friendship. She facebooked me a few months ago asking to reconnect when she moved back to the east coast, but i told her i wasn’t interested. which i guess isn’t totally true, but i’m still mad.
i see a conversation between my recent ex and the old friend of mine that she has befriended and i get angry. i feel my friend betrayed me, i can’t get past it.
break a promise or a commitment, and i may never forgive you. i have been known to break both, and i recognize the hypocrisy of that. but i never forgive myself either. give me a day or two to list every one of my interpersonal relationship failures.
and i guess that’s not all. I think it has to do with change. When someone else changes the structure or status of our relationship without communicating with me, without informing me. when someone changes the equilibrium of my world in a way that to me seems unjust, these things feel unforgivable to me.
how could you, college girlfriend? how could you make such grand efforts to grow a friendship out of the ruins of our relationship, only to toss it aside like a gum wrapper? i can’t take the chance that you will do that again. it still hurts from the first time.
how could you, friend, go from being the person who tells me i can confide, who willingly, gladly welcomes my telling every bit of my truth, only to change the rules when it gets to be too much? before you were so much of my world, and now i’m not sure i want to let you back in my life at all. you broke my trust so completely.
as for that last girlfriend, i think i’m more angry with myself for letting it go so long. i knew it wasn’t right, i thought we were only passing the time, isn’t it better than being lonely? now i sometimes wonder if it shouldn’t have been at all. i’m sorry.
so on that front, it is not anger that keeps me away. it’s guilt.
where does this all leave me? besides lonely?
i am afraid that i may not connect again. i’m not afraid of connecting. i know now that i can live through heartbreak. which i guess is a good thing to learn. but what about all those other breaks? i mean, why trust anyone? why bother? i want an activity partner. a fellow adventure seeker. but maybe i’m not meant to share. maybe i need to accept that i am going on these adventures alone.
I have too many alarms on my phone. I never delete them, I only add more. It probably has some significance. I remember when he and I were in our cuddling phase, laying next to him on the couch, setting a naptime alarm even though he and I both knew I wouldn’t sleep. And he teased me. Such a simple and intimate thing, to tease someone about their alarm.
I have had too many alarms on this phone for all the time I’ve had it. Why is it that moment only came to me now, when we are in such a different place, no chance of ever going back to that…
Your perspective on life sucks.
There’s a mika song where he says that. And I’ve had that line, along with oleg’s comment that my current place sounds idyllic, running through my head. And it surely isn’t the sustainable farm lifestyle that I thought I would be participating in, but there are benefits of this place. It’s good to remember that.
I’m gonna go with “Untitled.”
Source: wnycradiolab
