You are the pocket where I keep my words, my sadness. My thoughts that want to go somewhere, but not towards people. They need to get out me, into the ether. I have lost my desire to write such things in a paper journal. Paper writes too slow and holds too fast to keep it near.
Through friends like phases or maybe even phrases Of my life story. I seem to succeed in finding just what I am looking for, for a moment, at least. I used to think it was them, not me. It was circumstance, a moment that could not, because if its nature, be sustained. The friendships that last are not the ones that I put my whole heart into. They are not the intense, heart-wrenching moments...
A touch of romance →
I’m not sure I have ever seen an engagement photo/story that made me feel any sense of romance before, but this couple makes me swoon
This blog, read by no one, is where I go when I want to tell the world I’m sad without burdening anyone. I am starting to forget what it feels like to be not depressed. I think I need a jolt (of change?) in my life. I am tired of this grey all the time, I can’t decide if the change in weather makes it worse or just doesn’t make it better. I want to connect but it feels too...
What Ever Happened
to my creativity? I used to have it, without effort. I think it’s gone now.
Walking down Christopher
I have always loved Christopher st. It’s a lot of what I think new York has always done well. The beauty and privilege sitting next to the freaks and weirdos. I love seeing all the queer kids who take the PATH from jersey. I don’t think they see me as one of them, but I am, and I know it, and I’m proud to be so. Which is why it’s so hard for me to see and hear all the...
The woman on the train next to me is crocheting these little flowers. I don’t know what she is making, maybe a scarf. But I know that I saw her and thought of the hat that Hali gave me. I also thought about how I don’t think I will ever have the patience to learn to do that, and I don’t really mind. And then I’m back to thinking I was a permanent enough fixture to have her...
Write talk think
I don’t remember ever not imagining myself writing down my thoughts as I have them. I am always either telling someone or writing it in my head. These thoughts used to make it to paper more often than they do now. On my bike ride home I was composing and recomposing an email to Hali about the question of a friendship or even a possibility that we might “keep in touch” I find I...
I can't decide
Is it in a moment of great strength or sentimentality (ie weakness) that I find myself wanting to talk to her? I think I won’t call until I know the answer
I kissed someone, and she was just some girl. I knew before we kissed that I wasn’t attracted to her. But even so, I didn’t even enjoy kissing her. It was boring. It was nothing. And somehow, I woke up dejected and afraid, what if I can’t find someone I’m attracted to? This seems like a silly thing to fear. The thing that I’m actually afraid of is that I might never...
I still find myself surprised that my relationship with hali is over. Sometimes. I am slowly moving on. In relative terms, of course. We’ll call it a three month relationship in order to be most true to the emotional commitment and attachment. And after 2 weeks I am here, wherever here is. I think I don’t know. And since events never happen in a bubble, I can’t say for certain...
I’m staying on a couch at a friend’s so I can get up and go to work super early tomorrow in the neighborhood. We just watched one of my favorite queer films. I no longer have the impulse to share the moments of my life with her. Even so, I turn off the light and I think of her. I should probably have some patience. It’s been 3 days. I don’t want to forget her. I just...
I keep remembering again. She broke up with me. I still can’t believe it. I installed this person in my brain as something good, and that changed so quickly. How could this end so quickly when it had only just begun? I had so much hope for us.
I’m so sad right now, i don’t actually know what to do with myself. first time in my life, i met a girl that i could see myself wanting to be with long term. sure, it was long distance, but i was willing to give it a go, i couldn’t remember having ever felt like this about anyone before. but now, after 2 months, she doesn’t want it anymore. she decided she didn’t...
autostraddle.com tumblr presence: i'm suddenly... →
autostraddle: i think you’re “suddenly” feeling anxious because it’s ABOUT TO HAPPEN. everything will be okay. i’m anxious too! marni and i keep waking up early and lying there in panic. like what if people hate me?! you can remember underwear and your toothbrush though, just write it down on a piece of…
I feel the need to confess to someone somewhere that I am 1)rewatching angel. Again. 2)I got really sad when doyle died because I’d forgotten about that part. I’m on holiday with my parents. It used to be, all the way through college, that family vacations were like reading marathons, the whole family reading multiple books each. But this time I have only read one book, and tonight I...
At length we agreed to march ourselves down State of Franklin Street, and as we...– Barbara Kingsolver on Occupy Johnson City, Tennessee (via rachelfershleiser)
Isn't it strange
…that I remember needing you and wanting you to hold me mentally, but not emotionally. I recall it but there is no longing. .
turns out i'm still angry.
I see a picture of my college girlfriend, and i get mad that she threw away our friendship. She facebooked me a few months ago asking to reconnect when she moved back to the east coast, but i told her i wasn’t interested. which i guess isn’t totally true, but i’m still mad. i see a conversation between my recent ex and the old friend of mine that she has befriended and i get...
I have too many alarms on my phone. I never delete them, I only add more. It probably has some significance. I remember when he and I were in our cuddling phase, laying next to him on the couch, setting a naptime alarm even though he and I both knew I wouldn’t sleep. And he teased me. Such a simple and intimate thing, to tease someone about their alarm. I have had too many alarms on this...
Your perspective on life sucks.
There’s a mika song where he says that. And I’ve had that line, along with oleg’s comment that my current place sounds idyllic, running through my head. And it surely isn’t the sustainable farm lifestyle that I thought I would be participating in, but there are benefits of this place. It’s good to remember that.
Talk is not cheap. And the conversation that was had last night was invaluable to me. I suppose I still don’t know what I am returning to, I suppose it could still be bad. But I have cleared the air, and I don’t know what more I could do.
This blog is like my postsecret. Except I send it nowhere
There is an ache in the pit of my stomach where our friendship used to be. You say it is not over, but I’m afraid I don’t believe you. I think it is already gone.
Before, I felt so much love, it was more than I could take. Now I have none. I feel as though I have lost everything.
“@AfterElton: RT @alecmapa: I don’t know how to drive stick. #irony” I do. Also irony.
No one can stand on the pedestals I build for them
Tree falling sounds
Pretty much my whole life, I’ve had even my most secret thoughts in the form of conversations with others. When I was little, that was my parents or my imaginary friends. But in my teenage years, I just told all my secrets. I was the opposite of the people on post secret. Yes, I can keep a secret, just not my own. I told my best friend immediately when I figured out I liked a girl. The only...
Today I woke up feeling better than yesterday. Today I was not anxious and not sad. Today I was able to eat enough food to sustain me through the day. I think it would be better if these days were less rare, but if i can continue having one day a week like this, i think i can be ok.
Happy birthday, me
autostraddle.com tumblr presence: hi rachel, i... →
autostraddle: you asked this three weeks ago and i’ve been thinking about it ever since, trying to think of what i can tell you that won’t sound trite and patronizing. because i know what you mean. to be honest, things just ‘getting better’ has never been my experience either. things are better for me now… I needed this. Lately I wake up sad, then I kick myself all day for not being...
Today would have been my one year anniversary, but I broke up with her almost a month ago.
To be a princess
As a kid, I was daddy’s little princess. I loved my dolls and pretty dresses. I never wanted the attention of a lot of people. Just one at a time was/is enough. I think something I craved in my last relationship and never really felt was that special attention, that time when what mattered was what I wanted and what I liked. I feel self conscious asking that time if most people. But of the...
Drunk emotions are to real emotions as what is to what? I just don’t know how to feel about what I feel right now.
THE FEEL OF FREE: 50 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do... →
randomizemytime: I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class. Growing marijuana or…
”I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice...– Martin Luther King Jr (via nostalgicwiththestateofmind)
Mind awake, body exhausted
It would be more ok to be so awake if I could drag myself out of bed.