I dreamt

I kissed someone, and she was just some girl. I knew before we kissed that I wasn’t attracted to her. But even so, I didn’t even enjoy kissing her. It was boring. It was nothing. And somehow, I woke up dejected and afraid, what if I can’t find someone I’m attracted to? This seems like a silly thing to fear.
The thing that I’m actually afraid of is that I might never feel the attraction and affection for someone that I felt for her. The thing I’m actually afraid of is ending up alone.

Next

I still find myself surprised that my relationship with hali is over. Sometimes. I am slowly moving on. In relative terms, of course. We’ll call it a three month relationship in order to be most true to the emotional commitment and attachment. And after 2 weeks I am here, wherever here is. I think I don’t know. And since events never happen in a bubble, I can’t say for certain what can be attributed to the end of that relationship, what can be attributed to the incredibly painful and disappointing return of my “best friend” and what has to do with good old fashioned depression. Or allergies/this summer cold.
Which is a long way of saying: I feel bloody miserable today, but at least I’m not crying. (that was yesterday)

Unreferenced

I’m staying on a couch at a friend’s so I can get up and go to work super early tomorrow in the neighborhood.
We just watched one of my favorite queer films.
I no longer have the impulse to share the moments of my life with her.
Even so, I turn off the light and I think of her.
I should probably have some patience. It’s been 3 days.
I don’t want to forget her. I just want to be able to think of her without it hurting.

Stunned

I keep remembering again. She broke up with me. I still can’t believe it. I installed this person in my brain as something good, and that changed so quickly. How could this end so quickly when it had only just begun?
I had so much hope for us.

Endings

I’m so sad right now, i don’t actually know what to do with myself. first time in my life, i met a girl that i could see myself wanting to be with long term. sure, it was long distance, but i was willing to give it a go, i couldn’t remember having ever felt like this about anyone before.

but now, after 2 months, she doesn’t want it anymore. she decided she didn’t want to do long distance anymore. she says she still likes me, but she doesn’t like certain parts of me. i mean, i also don’t like certain parts of me, but i know the whole me, and i think she didn’t take the time.

i feel heartbroken, angry, depressed. lonely and sad. all the things, i suppose, that one expects after a breakup.

i can’t believe it’s over.

autostraddle.com tumblr presence: i'm suddenly feeling so so anxious about camp. about alone time and remembering people's names and socializing and...

autostraddle:

i think you’re “suddenly” feeling anxious because it’s ABOUT TO HAPPEN. everything will be okay. i’m anxious too! marni and i keep waking up early and lying there in panic. like what if people hate me?! you can remember underwear and your toothbrush though, just write it down on a piece of…

TV

I feel the need to confess to someone somewhere that I am 1)rewatching angel. Again. 2)I got really sad when doyle died because I’d forgotten about that part.

I’m on holiday with my parents. It used to be, all the way through college, that family vacations were like reading marathons, the whole family reading multiple books each. But this time I have only read one book, and tonight I spent the night doing exactly what I do at home, watching Netflix and scrolling tumblr. And autostraddle. I’m disappointed in myself. I could put it on the culture of all things being at our fingertips, but I could still read books. I could read at home, but I don’t. Even when I’m totally bored, feeling like I’ve reached the end of the Internet, I just keep clicking. I need a hobby.